#261 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 14

Piff: Ha-hee! Ha-hoo! I finally made it! Now I can answer ALL the fan mail that’s been piling up for so long!

Honestly, what have the previous lords been doing?!

Fan mail: “I am a nomad from the far north, visiting your realm. Are there any religious customs I should be aware of while I’m here?”
Piff: Okay, so here are the important ones:
Do not leave mystery property lying around!
Do not stare into people’s houses for longer than a fortnight!
Do not worship true prophets!
Visit all the shops in Buffet and buy something... from every shop!
Bring a big gift to the Lord of the Realm!

... and that’s it! Mostly.

Fan mail: “Has the Mogul of the Slums ever been Piff? If so, can we see a copy of his portrait? What about if we promise not to draw rat-tails on it?”
Piff: WHAT!? The Slums has a Mogul?! What is that supposed to be? Find me that person’s portrait right now! Oh, I’m going to draw ALL the rat-tails on it! You can join me!

Fan mail: “While you are being Piff, who is watering your houseplant?”
Piff: Me! I brought her with me to the tower!

(Honestly, she did most of the fighting for me!)

Fan mail: “My neighbor’s houseplant is out of control. It is growing out the windows and chimney and I haven’t seen my neighbor in days and recently the plant began talking. It says, ‘Help, help, can anyone hear me? Please bring scissors.’
I don’t know where to find any scissors so I am passing the message to you.”
Piff: That sounds dreadful! But...

I don’t know about these “scissors”. They must be rare and valuable! I hereby make an announcement that anybody with such things should report for this job immediately!

*Cacko’s stamp head and exclamation mark!*

Fan mail: “I read that some places have ‘taste-testers’ whose only job is to keep their rulers safe. Do you have pigeon-testers to keep you safe, in case a fire-breathing pigeon brings you mail?”
Piff: I place my trust in the Pigeons’R’Faster Operationals’ solutions. They’re a big enterprise, so surely they know what they’re doing!

Fan mail: “My neighbours came back and they brought derbies with them! Now they’re building a fence in the backyard! Is that even legal?!”
Piff: Derb