#292 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 15
January 21, 2022
Transcript
Lord of the Realm: “Dear citizens! My spies have informed me that there is an attack going on! Not only did we experience an earthquake of some sort, but some troublemakers have decided to... make trouble! But do not worry! As the (current) Lord of the Realm, I will now proceed to– UNGH! EEAAARRRGH!”
New Lord of the Realm: “Hippity hoppity! Your fan mail is now my property! Let’s gooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Fan mail: “Dear Piff, I have many questions. I will send them to you later once they have been approved by the Board of Procrastinators. They’re on a vacation right now.”
Lord of the Realm: “ooooooooooo! Oh! We started already!? Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Fan mail: “Here’s a mushroom-growing cup! It has mushrooms growing in it! Best results if contents transplanted to a flowerpot full of dirt, wood chips, or leaves. Water twice daily.
Ps.mushrooms ideal for glup.”
Lord of the Realm: “I sampled the mushrooms! They were very good! Worked well in glup! 13/10! Secretary! Water this cup for me! I want them to GROW!”
Fan mail: “I lost my bag of shiners! What do!?”
Lord of the Realm: “I’ll find it for you if you let me keep the shinies!”
Fan mail: “Could you give me directions to Stately Tower? I want to visit on a lazy day.”
Lord of the Realm: “Just follow yer freggin’ noggin’!”
Fan mail: “I built a statue but it’s not attracting any pigeons. HELP.”
Lord of the Realm: “That’s not a statue! That’s just a pile of cob!”
Fan mail: “From your spies: This is not a joke. There is an insurrection in the Outer City. Glup establishments are overtaken. Hobos have breached the walls. We repeat: this is not a joke. We await orders!”
Lord of the Realm: “Whaaat! Don’t worry about it! DLEP will handle it! I have 100% trust in our good ol’ Das Law Enforcement Party!”
Fan mail: “Salutations, foul vine-slinging impostor! This is a formal declaration of war by the undisputed supreme sovereign! I have finally departed from my captivity! It is my dearest wish to remind you that I have never stopped moving towards my predetermined destiny! Consider your job forfeit the moment my toes step within the perimeter of my city!”
Lord of the Realm: “
Stygian Lord says:
I’d love to say that it’s convenient getting these reports from what’s going on at the top of the tower, but honestly, it’s not like anything up there has ever improved.