#328 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 16

Lord of the Realm: STUPID FAN MAIL ALWAYS IN THE WAY OF MY PIFFHOODERY! Actually, maybe I should read them so that I can get rid of them. YES! TAKE THAT FAN MAIL!

Fan mail: “Oh great lord, please indulge my curiosity and tell the answers to these questions 3
first: how are you doing?”
Lord of the Realm: HORRIBLE. Except hmm… I’m the Lord of the Realm. Therefore, I am fine. Couldn’t be better, in fact!

Fan mail: “second: where are the scholer-pioneers?”
Lord of the Realm: NO FUFFIN’ CLUE. Hmm… actually! Their weird innovations haven’t been poppin’ out for quite a while! What the chuck, Scholar-Pioneers?!

Fan mail: “third: when is the next cannon fodder festival?”
Lord of the Realm: …FUFF! I’ve been in the tower so long I might have just missed it! Uhh, I declare all of today and tomorrow to be Cannon Fodder Festival! Haha! Now I can rest all day!

Fan mail: “Dear Piff, I grew up in a place that prides itself on it's centuries old tradition of building owl towers, but I saw the Jesters in action the other day and they very much put my people's "casteller" skills to shame! How hard and rigorous is Jester training that every Jester is capable such impressive acrobatic feats?”
Lord of the Realm: THE JESTERS ARE USELESS! But, hmm… I used to be one once. Then I took a sharp peck from a toddler to the knee. That closed many doors for my career path. Good thing becoming Lord of the Realm wasn’t one of them!

Oh, I still remember those days! We had so much free time it almost drove me crazy! After like, 10 or maybe 20 or 30 days of doing ABSOLUTELY, LITERALLY, IN-EVERY-SENSE-OF-THE-WORD NOTHING, we finally started practicing the positures just to keep ourselves sane! Best idea ever!

Fan mail: “I heard there were woodchucks inhabiting my local vendor, only to find there were no woodchucks but instead very rude silly-hoots who chucked wood! Could you tell them off, please? Have a lovely day.”
Lord of the Realm: CHUCK OFF, SILLY HOOTS! Phew, that felt good! Always wanted to do that! Those dang silly-hoots, always rudeing it off somewhere. I could tell them off all day, so don’t hesitate to ask again!

Fan mail: “Hallo Piff! The revolution is trying t