#358 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 17

UMPH! The secretary just plopped a bunch of mail straight at my noggin and strode away.

Mmm. This mail smells so fresh! Let’s go!

Fan mail: “My good Piff, This is just a test if you can receive any mail.”
Lord of the Realm: “??? Well I did. Mission accomplished.”

Fan mail: “Hallo Piff! Listen carefully, we don’t have much time. Listen to Sharpie’s report, okay? Quickly., and then sign that you’ve listened. Das Law depends on it!”
Lord of the Realm: “I will keep that in mind, my good citizen/fan. Do not fear, for I am prone to not forgetting a thing!”

Fan mail: “Oh, and while you’re doing that you can answer my question! Many owls puff their feathers up when annoyed and stressed. Puff Gyms are for that, right? As lord you are obviously best at going Puff. Right?”
Lord of the Realm: “Puff gyms are for those who cannot naturally adapt to their surroundings! Why, just within the last 30 seconds I’ve dodged slingshots, ropes, sticks, pillows, glass shards and one ear-piercing detective. No need for puffery!”

[Piff dodging Sharpie’s sound waves] “I’m so good at this!”

Fan mail: “P.S I’m a fan of the [redacted]’s too. Is that allowed? Don’t tell the Piff if it isn’t.”
Lord of the Realm: “Wait, WHO? Why is the name redacted!? I MUST KNOW NOW! I mean, it MIGHT be illegal! I can’t say unless I know all the details!”

Fan mail: “Dear Lord, My favourite colour is purple. What is your favourite colour?”
Lord of the Realm: “I like things black and white. Preferably white on black, but sometimes black on white, too. As long as it’s not on equal measures. That’s a grey area.”

Fan mail: “Dear Piff: What has been the most elaborate and/or extravagant plan to become Lord of the Realm?”
Lord of the Realm: “You know how they say that the tongue pierces sharper than a spear? Well, there was one songster who somehow argued everybody out of the Tower – diligently, one by one, for days and months! And as if that wasn’t enough, they also tried to leave for another tower, taking the cape and crown and throne away (they even secured the crown on their head with a lock!). But! Their plan was foiled by the Aviatar... somehow! I actually always slept through that part of the puppet show.”

Fan mail: “Dear Lord Piff, there is a huge party and feast at the top of the twisted keep, I can see it through my telescope! Oh and there is a 10% discount for all pyromancers.”
Lord of the Realm: “Well, that doesn’t sound ominous at all! Good thing the Twisted Keep is very far away, so we’re all safe here. Actually, I should probably mention that discount to the fire-burping pigeons. They’ll get to party AND go bother somebody else. I’ll be the hero of Buffet!”

Fan mail: “I know for a fact you’ve been up there long enough to see that the current Piff gets violently deposed every 5 seconds. Do you have a plan for what you’ll do when you’re thrown out from being Piff?”
Lord of the Realm: “I see you’ve heard of me: the Uno Lord! I’ve been here before and I’ll be here in the future! Why, just during my recent reign I’ve dodged trap doors, fiddlesticks, estranged pigeons, old-smelling mail and a random deed of land. As long as nobody pops anything near me again, I’ll be here for eternity!”

Fan mail: “Your Lordship, this is Sharpie. I just yelled out my report to the entire room, so I’m sure you heard it. Please sign this report acknowledging that you heard my report, please thank you.”
Lord of the Realm: “Oh, YOU’RE Sharpie? Well, I was told to sign this, so I’ll do it. Das Law depends on it!”

[Sharpie standing. Piff signing the report, a spear appears from the right towards the speech balloon] “Here you g-”
[POP!]

Sharpie: “Tsk. So close.”

That was a lot of fan mail. I worked hard carrying it!
Remember, you can always send more!