#539 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 22

I rode all the way up here on my trusty derby, and today (for about 15 minutes) I AM THE LORD.

Fan mail: Hello Piff! I hope this message finds you well. I have attached for your appreciation a perfectly ripe banana. I only hope it hasn't spoiled in the time it takes to deliver my message...
Piff: I have never seen a darker mush before in my life. Absolutely delicious. Fed my derby a little bit as well. She started making happy and coughing faces.

Fan mail: A Warning. You can't always sometimes tell what you least expect the most.
Piff: I was not expecting that. Thanks for the warning.

Fan mail: How long do you expect to hold the position, the situation being as it is? If you wish to hang on a little longer, you should engage the services of Violence and Sons Job Security Firm! We will institute a round-the-clock guard to ensure you never leave that chair for the rest of your natural life. Security guaranteed!
Piff: I expect I have a good 13 minutes left, but I was just warned not to sometimes tell what I least expect the most.

Maybe it means I need to stop thinking in minutes and simply accept that violence is the answer? How many Sons of Violence can you send? The previous lords have accumulated quite a bit of shiners in the cape’s pockets, so I can pay immediately.

Fan Mail: Look behind you! There's a bug! That reminds me, what is the policy of the realm with regards to the impending locust season?
Piff: When life gives us locusts, all glupperies make locust glup.

Then everybody gets sick of locust glup.

Don’t go overboard with the locust glup, glupperies. People have rioted before. They will riot again.

*munching on the bug* Mmm... three-headed bug. My favorite.

Fan Mail: Piff, can you make a law that makes homework that's too hard against Das Law? Only if you don't I'll have to ask you to help me solve it. I've included your portion of the work in the letter.
Piff: Ha! I used to be at the top of my Heraldry class! This won’t be a problem. Let’s see the assignment...

Fan Mail: The spell language spirals from the centre, left is past, right is future, inner is cause, outer is effect and I am very confused because I think it keeps changing as I read it. I'm not sure that's supposed to happen and I have to graduate. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to be a Scholar-Translator floofhead proofreader and with my tuition fees that's too much to expect.
Piff: It does keep changing. What is this sorcery? I’m feeding this to my derby. You can tell your teacher the Piff’s derby ate it.

(The spell language spiral, which keeps changing.)

You know what. I’m sending you an ultimatum telling your teacher to let you graduate. It’s not like you need to know this kind of crap to make it in real life.

Pigeon: We don’t eat homework! You can safely use us to send your fan mail (and assignments!)