#409 Fan Mail to Lord, Part 18

An owl person in a king's coat is very wet and angry-looking.
Piff: “Hablrhgbhg! Pfft! One of the mail pigeons was of ultra rare water-spouting variety! I’ll just quickly read this fan mail so I get to wipe myself dry with it.”

Fan mail: “Hello! I recently noticed a funny eye symbol start to pop up. I’ve been asleep for quite a while, so I don’t know what it means. Is something going on?”
Piff: “It’s the worst piece of advertisement I’ve ever seen, is what it is! It tells nothing about the product, or where I can buy it. I bet they’ve attracted zero customers. And the paper’s so tiny I couldn’t dry myself with it even a little bit!”

Fan mail: “P.S. I hope the pigeon isn’t a fire-burping one. I wasn’t able to contact Pigeons’R’Faster, so I just picked up a random pigeon.”
Piff: “Haah… I keep telling ‘em to expand their certified carrier pigeon provider network. But, noooo. It costs too much, they say. I think it’s a reasonable investment in customer security. No more burning feathers! Nor drowning Lords of the Real–hablrhgbhg! Pfft! Now that thing’s courting me! Scram off, pigeon!”

Fan mail: “Does the Piff ever worry about their throne falling out a window through it being pushed?”
Piff: “It’s bolted to the floor, so no worries at all!

But… What if someone unbolts it? I see a glue supplier contract opportunity! I know some guys at the Banana Stickiness Research Brainery. Now I just need to hit ‘em up with a Shiner-Lender!”

Fan mail: “If a Scholar-Pioneer becomes Piff, do they get to decide their own budget for their latest research project?
Asking for a friend whose budget just got cut.”
Piff: “I doubt Scholar-Pioneers even care about shiners, or budgets for that matter. They’ve never accepted ANY of my brilliant guaranteed profit-making business offers! (Flying Derbies Initiative, Puffed Baby Catching Service, Triangular Sippy Mugs Fad and many more…)

Hmm… The budget allotment bins are right over there, though. If I fiddled with ‘em, then I’d get the Banana Stickiness Research going in no tim–hablrhgbhg! Pfft! Not now, pigeon!”

Fan mail: “The lights went out recently and a bunch of rude jollyhoots set my tailfeathers on fire trying to light a lamp.
Do you know how terrible burning feathers smell?
Please order the scholar-pioneers to find a way to make burning feathers smell better!”
Piff: “You’ve talked to the right Piff! I have connections with the Smell-Bringers Movement! They’re even better than those brilliant-offers-declining Scholar-Pioneers! You’re gonna smell like a buncha things!”

Fan mail: “And maybe issue me a pardon for thumping the jollyhoots without a permit.”
Piff: “I’m not familiar with anyone in the League of Pardon-Admitters…

Oh! Wait! I’m the Lord of the Realm! You’re hereby pardoned! That’ll be 5 shiners! Please send me another pigeon with the info where I can send the bill.”

Fan mail: “Now pardon me, I have to go find a costume shop selling tail pieces.”
Piff: “Oh, I know just the guys from the Authentic Tail-Pluckers Union! I’ll hit you up, okay? I get a 10% affiliation reward!”

Fan mail: “Hallo Lord of the Realm! Now is a great moment to make changes to Das Law, which is currently in an exciting, dynamic phase of realignment.

You too could write laws for the folk of Buffet with our handy, modern system that uses the best of binary Magic to filter out duplicate laws and contradictory laws. All in a little tablet the size of your hand!”
Piff: “Wow! What an excellent selling speech! I already forgot what you’re selling, but I’M SOLD! You should join our Dodgy-Sellers Corporate-Fellowship! You’ll get a 5% sub-affiliation bonus for every new recruit–hablrhgbhg! Pfft! NOT YOU, PIGEON!”

Fan mail: “You decadent poliwag! You discombobulated kerplunk! Did you really think dropping the roof on me would stop me from pushing towards my rightful domain?! It does not! My journey towards my personal throne resumes!”
Piff: “Your word-usage needs some polishing. I can’t